The Mystery of Meaning
by hester4418
Summary: Episode addition to "Sacred Ground": When she left sickbay after the Doctor's scientific explanation, Janeway's expression clearly showed that she hadn't made her peace yet with what had happened in the Nechani sanctuary...


DISCLAIMER: _Star Trek: Voyager _and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures; no infringement of copyright is intended. The story however belongs to me.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Many thanks to KJaneway115 and Eydie Munroe for reading the first draft of this story, and for confirming my suspicions that it didn't work the way I intended. I rewrote a large part of it as a result, and am actually happier with it now. :-) Any mistakes you may find are my own.

Written January-February 2013.

**The Mystery of Meaning  
by Hester (hester4418)**

"It was all meaningless."

Kathryn Janeway gesticulated wildly with her fork, almost poking a passing crewman. "That's what they told me from the beginning, but I didn't listen, didn't understand."

They had run into each other in the mess hall and settled at the same table without even giving it a conscious thought. Chakotay only gave his dinner cursory attention, but Kathryn was digging into her food with a voracious appetite that was rather uncommon for her. Since she had eaten almost nothing in the past four days, he was pleased that just this once he didn't need to force her to make up for it.

"They made me go through it because that was what I expected – a grueling ritual of endurance. They said I would have settled for nothing less, and you know what? I think they were right." She forcefully speared another vegetable, shoved it into her mouth and looked at him expectantly as she chewed.

He studied her. It had been a little more than a day since Kes had woken up. The petite Ocampa had bounced back immediately from her near-death experience, and the Doctor had assured them that there would be no aftereffects. When it came to Kathryn however, Chakotay wasn't so sure.

She claimed that she had slept well the previous night, and he believed her. Physically, she seemed fine; but he knew her well enough to see past the surface, and notice the lingering confusion in her storm-colored eyes.

"That may be so," he replied neutrally and took a sip of his beverage. That allowed him to stall just long enough to carefully weigh his next words before saying them out loud. "But it isn't the whole truth."

The hand with the fork stilled, and a frown appeared on her face. "What do you mean?"

"The ritual changed your body chemistry, and the Doctor used the results from your bioprobe to induce the same changes in Kes. Without your altered physiologies, the discharge from the biogenic field would have killed you both."

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes, I know what the Doctor said. His explanation is perfectly sound from a scientific point of view, and if I had heard it before, I wouldn't have hesitated at all to take Kes back into the field. But then why would they keep insisting that the ritual was meaningless?" Kathryn put her fork down and reached for a napkin to wipe her mouth.

Chakotay shrugged. "I don't have an answer for that."

"Neither do I, and that's what irritates –" She stopped mid-sentence and her eyes snapped up to his, growing wide. "I'm doing it again," she whispered.

He leaned in closer. "Doing what?"

"Demanding an explanation. Looking for the absolute truth, the justification." She wearily rubbed a hand across her temple.

Chakotay felt the conflicting emotions emanating from her. In fact, her attitude was very different now from what it had been when all of this started; when they had been discussing probable outcomes of the ritual in his office, and she had cited examples of scientific backgrounds for religious ceremonies on different worlds. "Maybe there doesn't need to be an explanation," he offered.

"Maybe not." Her eyes furtively darted around the room, and he recognized the signs. Kathryn didn't want to talk any further, not with so many potential eavesdroppers close by.

They disposed of their plates and left the mess hall. He walked her to her door in silence, but when it slid open at their approach, she stopped and turned to him.

"Thank you for the company."

There was a smile on her face, but he could still see the confusion behind it. As usual, he resisted the urge to caress her cheek and touched her arm instead. "Are you sure you're all right?"

She covered his hand with her own, and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I'm fine. Good night, Chakotay." And before he could say another word, she was gone, the door hissing shut behind her.

Chakotay continued down the corridor to his own cabin. Once there, he kept the lighting low and settled on the couch, letting his head fall back against the cushions with a heavy sigh. He had been worried about Kathryn for days, never straying far from sickbay and keeping a close eye on the monitors whenever the rest of his duties would allow it.

He could still recall the words they had exchanged in the sanctuary over Kes' unconscious form.

Her reassurance. _I know what I'm doing._

His doubts. _Are you sure of that? This isn't like you._

His final attempt to stop her._ I don't understand this._

And her enigmatic reply._ Neither do I – that's the challenge._

In the end, he had stepped aside because he trusted her, _believed _in her. She had been filled with such conviction, such _faith_, that ultimately he could do nothing but allow her to cradle Kes in her arms and take her into the biogenic field again.

At the time, she had believed herself. Now, back on _Voyager_, doubts were crowding in on her, and he wasn't sure how he could help her; especially if she kept closing herself off.

The door chimed. Chakotay lifted his head, but otherwise didn't move. "Come in."

In the glaring light spilling in from the corridor, his visitor was but a black outline, yet he would have recognized the slim figure anywhere. She quietly slipped inside, and the room once again descended into darkness.

"Computer, –"

"No," she stopped him, rightly guessing that he was about to bring up more lights. "If you'd rather be alone, I'll –"

"Stay." He could barely make her out; but when she had crossed the threshold, he had seen that she was still in uniform. It couldn't have been more than ten minutes since he had left her at her door, so he wondered what had brought her here now.

Silence stretched between them. Kathryn's eyes were slowly adjusting to the darkness, yet even though Chakotay was clearly visible in the faint starlight from the viewport, his face remained shrouded in shadow. She had come to him on an impulse, but now she was already questioning her resolve.

"What is it?" His voice was soft, a mere whisper in the darkness.

Kathryn took a few tentative steps forward, just enough to reach the edge of light cast from the viewport. "I –" She took a deep breath. "Maybe I'm not really..." Her voice faltered.

Chakotay sat up straighter. Her earlier automatic reply to his customary question echoed in his mind. _I'm fine. _For once, she was taking the claim back. She rarely acknowledged any weakness, and he could tell how difficult it was for her to summon the words. "Tell me," he gently encouraged her.

She took another step, coming partially into the light. Her hands were tightly clasped in front of her. "I'm so... _confused_..." She turned and started pacing the darkened room, words spilling from her mouth more and more rapidly.

"You were there. You saw what happened. I didn't want to believe at first, didn't think I _could_ believe strongly enough to save Kes. And then even you, one of the most spiritual people I know, tried to stop me. But I was so sure that I was doing the right thing!" She stopped, facing him again. "Now I can't stop thinking about how... _wrong_... the Doctor's explanation sounds. As if..." She trailed off, searching for the right words.

"As if it negates the faith you felt," he finished for her.

"Yes! Those three old people – I don't know if they were really the ancestral spirits or not, but... They questioned my absolute belief in science, even when it fails me, and claimed that that was also a leap of faith!"

She threw up her hands and whirled around to resume her pacing. "Now I don't know what to think anymore. It's like suddenly everything I've always believed in is called into question. And I wonder... Am I wrong in placing science above faith as my overriding principle? Am I wrong in always insisting on an explanation that's based on logic and fact? Am I wrong in discounting feelings in favor of provable data?"

Chakotay could see her agitation, sensed how deeply troubled she was. Apparently the experience had shaken her far more than she had let on earlier. But he also saw the flaw in her logic. "Do you really do that?"

The pacing abruptly stopped when she halted directly in front of him. One hand landed on her hip in a classic posture of exasperation. "Which of the above?"

"All of the above. But particularly the last one."

She bristled. "Surely you can't claim that I let my decisions be influenced by random emotions!"

"Not random, no. But what about if someone has... a hunch?"

He pictured the thought taking root in her mind, and waited for another explosion. However, none came.

Within a heartbeat, Kathryn's expression had changed from irritation to defeat. Her shoulders slumped, and she looked unsure about what to do or say next.

"Come here." He caught her hand and pulled her down beside him.

Ever since New Earth, they had become somewhat closer off-duty, in the privacy of their respective quarters. Those relaxed parameters allowed for the occasional hug, once even a brief kiss on the cheek. And right now, Chakotay figured that a bit of physical closeness might help ease the emotional turmoil Kathryn was experiencing.

She offered no resistance as he put an arm around her shoulders and gently drew her against himself. With a firm voice, he related his own view of what had happened in the Nechani sanctuary.

"I can't tell you what you felt, but I can tell you what I saw. I saw a woman who had no doubts, no seconds thoughts. You _knew_ that you were doing the right thing, and you didn't even try to rationalize it when I questioned you. If you had, I'm not sure if I wouldn't have stopped you after all."

She turned her head to look at him. "You did try at first. What made you step aside?"

"Your conviction was so absolute, I... _felt_ that it would be wrong to stand in your way." He smiled. "I guess you could say that I took a leap of faith as well."

She stared at him, her face so close to his that he could feel her breath on his cheek. "If either of us had been wrong..."

"Fortunately, we were both right."

He tightened his hold on her, and she let her head fall back against his shoulder with a heavy sigh.

"What if next time, we're not?"

Chakotay chose not to answer that question, for he knew that she didn't actually expect him to. Instead, he tried to get to the heart of the problem. "What is it that's _really_ bothering you?"

This time, she did not turn her head. "What makes you say that?"

He hesitated, then chuckled. "Call it a hunch."

Kathryn was silent for a long moment. The warmth of his body next to hers was comforting, and she almost wished that the feeling could make her forget about her troubles. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to draw strength from his closeness, gathering her courage.

When she spoke again, her voice was stronger than either of them had expected. "An experience like that – it is rather life-altering, wouldn't you say?"

"It doesn't have to be," Chakotay replied carefully, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible. "Do you feel that it was?"

"No," she said softly, and drew in a shaky breath. "But I can't stop thinking that it should be."

"Why?"

"I don't know." She twisted around again, and he was troubled by how unsettled she looked. "And that's what scares me."

Chakotay momentarily found himself at a loss for words.

Kathryn grasped his hand and wrapped her fingers around his, holding onto him as if to a lifeline. "If it really comes down to a question of faith, shouldn't I feel that the next time I find myself in a comparable position, it would be easier for me to accept it? To just... trust and let go, without searching for the scientific explanation first?"

"No."

The single word was spoken with such conviction that it startled her. Instinctively, she gripped his hand tighter.

Chakotay carefully chose his next words. "That's not who you are. And no one expects you to change your whole mental landscape based on a single experience." He freed his hand and drew back a little, just enough so he could turn her to face him fully and grasp her shoulders. "No one is forcing you to believe anything, Kathryn. Down on the planet, you _chose_ to believe that your actions would save Kes. It was a unique situation, based on your experiences during the ritual. In fact, one could argue that even now the scientist in you is trying to take over. You want to take one result, and apply it to the next similar problem. But you know it won't always work like that."

Kathryn opened her mouth to reply, but Chakotay shook his head, indicating that he wasn't finished.

"You asked me before why everyone kept insisting that the ritual was meaningless, even though the Doctor found hard scientific evidence to prove that it was not. I now think that it was the Nechani's way of urging you on, of letting you learn their culture; because they sensed that you would not have taken them seriously if they had simply told you to prepare your body for an energy discharge of that magnitude. You would have tried to find some other form of protection, something faster, more tangible."

Understanding dawned on her features. "And I would probably have failed to save Kes, because my preparations would have been insufficient, or incomplete."

"Exactly."

"So by calling the ritual meaningless, they actually _gave_ it meaning – for me; because I was so desperate to prove them wrong."

He nodded. "That makes sense to me."

For the first time since she entered his quarters, there was a genuine smile on her face. "It does to me, too. And it feels right – on more levels than one."

"You mean, you don't feel like they manipulated you?"

She thought about that for a moment, then slowly shook her head. "No. At least, no more than was necessary."

They smiled at each other. Chakotay was happy to note that the confusion was gone from Kathryn's eyes. Instead, she looked relieved. Even though she still could not explain all of what had happened, she at least felt like she could live with the remaining uncertainties. Chakotay had been right from the start – sometimes, there didn't need to be a full explanation. Some mysteries were best left to themselves.

After another long beat, Kathryn sighed, and Chakotay expected her to pull away in preparation for leaving.

She didn't move. Only her eyes shifted, looking over his shoulder and out at the passing stars.

This puzzled him. She had clearly come to him for spiritual guidance, and just a minute ago it had seemed like they had managed to resolve all the issues that had troubled her. But all of a sudden, she was hesitant once more.

He slid his hands down her arms and ended up taking her hands in his. "Is there something else you want to talk about?"

She shook her head, still not looking at him. When he gave her hands a light squeeze, she finally met his worried gaze. "Would you mind if I stayed a little longer?" she asked softly.

A gentle smile appeared on his face. "Of course not."

Her answering smile warmed his heart. She pulled her hands from his grasp and settled back against him as before, with his arm around her and her head resting comfortably on his shoulder.

Maybe this was what it all came down to. Just knowing that she had somewhere, someone to turn to, even – or especially – in her weakest moments. With him, she didn't need to be 'larger than life'. Chakotay challenged and supported her in equal measure; without him, she might have given up long ago.

When he drew her closer and leaned his cheek against her hair, Kathryn let her mind go blank. Together, they cherished the fleeting feeling of respite from the dangers and mysteries of the Delta Quadrant.

In just a few short hours, they would need to step up again and brave the unknown. But here, now, was where they could gather strength and courage – just by being together and being there for each other. And sometimes, that was all that was needed.

-==/ The End \==-


End file.
